BIRTHDAY

For the last eight months, I’ve been trying to put a band-aid over a bullet wound. I didn’t realize it until about an hour ago and since then, I’ve spent that time crying uncontrollably. Happy birthday right???? I guess so. I should be ecstatic though. I had a really successful event this past Friday, I have people in my life who love and care about me. What’s missing exactly? My life’s not perfect but I should be much happier on my 30th birthday.

A year ago today, I sat in a nursing home with my parents and my grandmother, a cake sat on her lap. She sang happy birthday to me and I did my best to cherish it. I knew there was a chance that would be the last time I’d have this experience. And here we are today a year later, all I can do is picture myself in that nursing home. Wishing I was still there somehow? But also sad that I was even there in the first place. I’m feeling a lot right now. Outside of today, I’ve cried maybe twice since my grandmother died. Based on the way I feel generally, that doesn’t make sense. More often than not, I’m thinking about her. But I just push it down and try not to think about it. I make it a point to not get rattled or put on a face to keep up appearances. But it’s literally starting to show on my face that I’m not ok.

It would’ve been nice to actually enjoy my birthday this year instead of learning life lessons about repression. I needed this though. I have a song for this but there’s no big tie-in or something to relate back to. I’m just sad and it’s my birthday so obviously, Blur’s “Birthday” is something I’ve been listening to over the past few days. I hope people can take something from this. Or if you care enough to just read this, I’m ok. Tell people you love them!! It’s important.